People say that the eyes are the windows to a person's soul and I can't agree more.
Looking into those deep seated eyes that belong to that face marred by exhaustion and determination, a part of me softened. I see a person who knows what he wants, who does everything in his power to make sure he gets what he wants but is also a person who willingly admits defeat and possesses the capacity to let things go should the need arise.
I respect you for that, I really do. It is one of your many qualities that I really admire. Yet, I wonder if you too, look into my eyes.
Because if you do, you will see a person whose life has long been plagued by self-doubt and loneliness. Reliance is something that is hard to come by for me and I have learned how to live without it. Trust is something that has too often been given and thrown back in my face. I move, in hopes that by moving I will finally find a place to stay. The longing in my eyes do not belie my inner emotions, I've already pulled up a strong facade to do that.
I just hope that in time I will find a solution, that I will finally be able to avert my gaze away from your eyes or that one day I will gain permission to peer even further into the very depths of that that defines you.
I can only pray.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Is Honesty Really the Best Policy?
Honestly. No pun intended. It's just that lately I can't help but wonder : is honesty really the best policy?
How far will you go to protect your loved ones from the ugly truth? How many lies will you fabricate to shield your family from the pain of knowing? How long can you put on a brave front until your best friend sees through the very depth of the illusions you have pulled up around you?
I think I've always known that at some point in my life, I'll start questioning myself on just how far I can run away from all my problems. They're like a swarm of bees chasing after you once you've angered one of them, setting off a chain reaction that leads to bouts of self-loathing and self-doubt. Much like running away from a horde of angry insects hell-bent on inflicting a misery only best described as mortifying, you have to jump into the pool of water at some point and risk drowning yourself in hopes that the bees will go away.
So the question is: Will you take the plunge?
But before you do, let me tell you a story.
I've been lying my whole life, because let's face it lies get us away from our problems, even if its just for a fleeting moment but I guess the hardest lie of all is to keep those three words to yourself, even in the midst of a writhing agony afflicting the very core of your being as you set your eyes on the person you love going about their daily life as though you play nothing more than a mundane part in the greater framework of life.
You question yourself, the motivation behind every action that you carry out in their name under the false pretense of friendship or just the mere act of providing a favor. You pray that all these emotions will wither away in time but you do not realize that the more you try to suppress it, the more it thrives on the oppressive force of your mind, growing like a tumor that slowly spreads to every part of your soul, consuming you, and then in the end the symptoms starts to show, leaving you nothing but a dry husk of a former companion to them as they begin to run away from the bees you have unleashed on them.
When they realize the truth, it is then that you understand all that hiding was for naught. Perhaps honesty is the best policy, but much like any policies made in our society, it is also subjected to much debate, only the debaters in this game is your 'gut' and your 'mind'. That constant battle between what you feel and what you think is a tug-o-war that can only end in a stalemate. The one that emerges victorious is fate itself, when circumstances happen to favor one side of the players.
So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that the plunge you have to make in life is not into a pool of water, if it is, it will be a pool of faith. Instead of holding your breathe, you just have to hold on to your beliefs and hope that your decision, whether or not to be honest about your feelings, is the right one.
Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if Jesus was right, it only matters that you believe He was right and you will bring that belief to your grave knowing that you did the right thing. Supposedly. Who's to judge?
How far will you go to protect your loved ones from the ugly truth? How many lies will you fabricate to shield your family from the pain of knowing? How long can you put on a brave front until your best friend sees through the very depth of the illusions you have pulled up around you?
I think I've always known that at some point in my life, I'll start questioning myself on just how far I can run away from all my problems. They're like a swarm of bees chasing after you once you've angered one of them, setting off a chain reaction that leads to bouts of self-loathing and self-doubt. Much like running away from a horde of angry insects hell-bent on inflicting a misery only best described as mortifying, you have to jump into the pool of water at some point and risk drowning yourself in hopes that the bees will go away.
So the question is: Will you take the plunge?
But before you do, let me tell you a story.
I've been lying my whole life, because let's face it lies get us away from our problems, even if its just for a fleeting moment but I guess the hardest lie of all is to keep those three words to yourself, even in the midst of a writhing agony afflicting the very core of your being as you set your eyes on the person you love going about their daily life as though you play nothing more than a mundane part in the greater framework of life.
You question yourself, the motivation behind every action that you carry out in their name under the false pretense of friendship or just the mere act of providing a favor. You pray that all these emotions will wither away in time but you do not realize that the more you try to suppress it, the more it thrives on the oppressive force of your mind, growing like a tumor that slowly spreads to every part of your soul, consuming you, and then in the end the symptoms starts to show, leaving you nothing but a dry husk of a former companion to them as they begin to run away from the bees you have unleashed on them.
When they realize the truth, it is then that you understand all that hiding was for naught. Perhaps honesty is the best policy, but much like any policies made in our society, it is also subjected to much debate, only the debaters in this game is your 'gut' and your 'mind'. That constant battle between what you feel and what you think is a tug-o-war that can only end in a stalemate. The one that emerges victorious is fate itself, when circumstances happen to favor one side of the players.
So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that the plunge you have to make in life is not into a pool of water, if it is, it will be a pool of faith. Instead of holding your breathe, you just have to hold on to your beliefs and hope that your decision, whether or not to be honest about your feelings, is the right one.
Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if Jesus was right, it only matters that you believe He was right and you will bring that belief to your grave knowing that you did the right thing. Supposedly. Who's to judge?
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